Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
