anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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