Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
