they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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