I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
