ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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