Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
