The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
