saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
People in love make me want to vomit
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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