Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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