I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
