he wants to bone in the snuggie
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
