Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
