The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
