TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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