Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
