friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
