I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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