What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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