got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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