My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
