my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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