Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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