fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
