Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
