Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize