i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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