I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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