hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
