We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
