im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
