nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
