I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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