Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
