that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
