I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
