I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
