Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
