honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
