Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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