I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize