I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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