my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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