I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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