DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
