I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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