chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my shit smells like andre
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
