I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
