Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
