I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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