Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
