I want to have your abortion
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize