If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He passed out mid-signature
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize