Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
