My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
